Archive for July, 2009

A trial separation may allow the spouse who wants the divorce to experience some of the feelings of being separated without making a final decision to divorce. The main advantage of a trial separation, of course, is that it’s easily reversible. You can try it for a while, go through counseling, and then reconcile, or you can try separation for a while, decide you like it – and then proceed with divorce.

There are two ways you and your spouse can separate: either with an informal separation or by a formal legal separation.

An informal separation is basically whatever the two of you agree it to be. Typically, one of you stays in the home you had previously shared, and the other moves into some other quarters. At this stage you normally wouldn’t make any formal property division, but you would agree, informally, on some kind of working arrangement about possession of things like cars, the bank accounts, the credit cards, and the stereo.

A formal legal separation is more permanent, more complicated, and more expensive. It’s also much less common. It’s nearly as expensive as a divorce – sometimes more so, because it’s less common – so you may have to pay your lawyer to figure out how to do everything. And often people who get a formal legal separation wind up having to go through all the pain, time, and expense again later to get an actual divorce.

So why, I hear you ask, would anyone go through a formal legal separation? Maybe because some states require that a couple seeking a divorce have been separated for some period of time. Also, some couples need to remain legally married, perhaps so one can continue to be insured for medical or other purposes by the other’s company. Formal legal separation makes this possible.

Occasionally, there is no question that the couple is moving toward divorce, but know it will take some time to work everything out. If their incomes are substantially different, it may be worth agreeing on a written separation agreement; that way the person paying any alimony can deduct it on his or her tax return. The paying spouse might be able to pay the receiving spouse more than enough to pay the tax on the alimony, and still come out ahead. Sometimes one of the spouses has a religious objection to divorce. A formal separation will allow the spouses to remain officially married even as they live separate lives.

Beyond that, there may not be much of a reason to go through the time, pain, and expense of a formal legal separation. Better perhaps to agree to reach a working arrangement for an informal separation. You can then follow it up directly with either reconciliation or divorce.

So, can separation save a marriage – that is the question. Some people strenuously resist separation, thus adding even more stress into an already tense marriage. Perhaps separation may be the best option for some marriages, despite the looming shadow of divorce, as living together is obviously is not working. However, can you make it work from a distance? A trial separation will go a long way in helping you decide the answer.

Why? Because couples who separate tend to find that without the constant daily conflict and bickering the lack of proximity to their spouse provides time to think, and solve problems. Marital problems are often hard to resolve as they often get stalled by egos, fear and stubbornness. Resolution can flourish as long as at least one partner is willing to keep trying; if the urge to always be right and not back down remains then it probably means that the separation will end in divorce.

It is therefore strongly recommended that you at least give trial separation a try. If only for the sake of trying to save your marriage.

Marriage is one of the most enjoyable but also one of the most painful experiences that people undergo. It carries with it the whiff of romance and eternal bliss, but sometimes you get a pack of thorns instead.

How Do You Ensure Your Marriage Is a Bed of Roses and not Thorns?
One of the major ingredients that a happy marriage needs is a willingness to compromise. But that is much more difficult than it seems. Everyone will agree that they need to compromise, but what happens when the issue is not a simple and tiny one? What then? Who Compromises first? I am sure you must have said to yourself at one point or another that enough is enough. You will no longer be the patsy. You are an independent person and your partner has crossed the line. Maybe.

Maybe your relationship has died and you are just beginning to realize it. Maybe your sentiments are more passionate than romantic. Maybe you no longer love her.

Stop being a fool!
What if I told you that the solution to your marital strife is not divorce. Am I mad?

Look around. How many divorces do you know? Plenty. Me too. But are they really happier off?

What is the first thing that a divorced person does? He or she goes out and starts looking for partners.

Isn’t that strange? No. You say that everybody needs somebody to love. Maybe. I say that they had that somebody and they just let them go. So please stop being foolish.

Why not tackle your problems with a simple suggestion? A Game.

Games as a Peace Maker:
Playing brings out the child in us and causes us to express more than we normally would. We also release bottled up frustration and let go of mental thorns in our outbursts of joy and anguish as we win or lose. Games unite people together and therefore I suggest playing together but if you wish one can play against the other. The game turns into a battle but only this time, after its over, you will both feel refreshed from losing all that bottled up pain and anger.

Games to Pick From:
Try picking games that both of you like or at least somewhat active ones. You could even play hide and seek in the house or something else. If you do prefer playing cards, pick a game which does not go on for long and which requires some thinking like hearts, poker, bridge or rummy. Keep score and determine before hand that the loser has to do something for the winner. Chores is not a prize for the winner! If you lose you have to do something that that the other person wants for themselves like give them their favorite massage or cook them their favorite meal.

Conclusion:
Games are a welcome ambrosia to love and will excite you as a couple to disregard all your frustrations and anger and deal only with the good. The anger and frustrations will not magically disappear, but now you can deal with them together calmly and in a good mood.

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